


Are Those My Nuts In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

by Merixcil



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017), The LEGO Movie (2014)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Species Swap, Squirrels, robins, the one where everyone's an animal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10421772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Batman's a super awesome vigilante with a super awesome family. No biggie.(Aka the one where everyone's a squirrel)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of someone asking me to imagine my OTP as a pair of squirrels after I had just seen Lego Batman for the fourth time. As such, everyone is a squirrel. 
> 
> Except for Dick, who's a robin (of course).

It was a dark night in Gotham South City Park. The darkest of nights, so dark that had a black squirrel been passing, it would have gone completely undetected by anyone without infra red goggles. 

Luckily, Batman had a pair of infra red goggles that he had been saving up for just such a night. One of the advantages of totally not being Bruce Wayne was having full access to the enormous stash of nuts his parents had left him. 

Bruce Wayne’s parents, of course. Not Batman’s. Just so we’re clear on this. 

“Sir,” Alfred chittered through the comm link, “I believe I have eyes on your quarry at the north east end of the park.”

“Copy that,” Batman replied, and leaped into action. His rock hard squirrel abs and extra flexible squirrel tail gave him maximum agility as he dashed between trees, trying to get back to the Bat Glider. Not to brag or anything, but the Bat Glider was a pretty sweet ride. Batman had pieced it together just that afternoon from the Pieces left over after a couple of trees had been cut down on the other side of the park. See, Batman was a masterbuilder - no biggie but he had the ability to manipulate his surroundings into any form he could imagine. 

Keeping his cape out of the way while climbing was a skill, but it was one Batman had been prepared to learn to ensure he looked as badass as possible when he was out fighting squirrel criminals. He adjusted his cowl - ahem - armoured face disguise, and prepared for the final landing. 

“Wow! That was such a cool landing!” Robin chirped as Batman swung into the Bat Glider right next to his adopted son. 

“Thanks,” Batman smirked.

“Oh,” Robin’s beak clacked awkwardly, “I was talking to Bat Girl. But you were great too Padre!”

Too right Batman had looked cool. But he didn’t have time to focus on how awesome he was right now, he had to know where Bat Girl was hiding before they could take off. He supposed it would probably be easier if he took his infra red goggles off first, there were so many animals in the trees that they were almost pointless. It was a real shame, he knew he looked incredible in them. He’d have to use them another night. 

With the goggles off, the red blob to Batman’s right became Bat Girl. The yellow of her cape was super obvious through the dark, but he would never ask her to change it when it made her super vigilante identity look so fly. Besides, two grey squirrels running around saving Gotham together? They had to make sure no one got the two of them muddled up. 

“Let’s fly,” Batman cried. He and Bat Girl pushed off from the arm of the tree and the Bat Glider soared over the park. Robin fluttered after them, not needing to use the Glider because he was a bird and could fly all by himself. Even Batman had to admit that inbuilt wings would be totally sick, but he hadn’t found a way to manipulate his genome into granting him flight yet. 

As they flew, Batman filled the others in on the details. “The Joker has been stealing nuts from all over the city for the past month, which is weird because he never uses money for anything.”

“It’s so cute that you know him so well,” Robin sighed. 

“I don’t…I…he’s my worst enemy! I have to know things about my worst enemy! Keep it down Robin!”

Bat Girl giggled, “he’s blushing super hard under the mask.”

Maybe Batman was blushing, but if he was it was only because his cheeks had a wonderful rosy glow and nothing looked better with his all black outfit than a splash of red. “Anyway,” he growled, “after a long afternoon’s super sleuthing, and like a week of Alfred keeping tabs on him, I managed to work out what Joker’s been up to. He’s built a bomb out of bird poop and matches and he’s going to try to blow up the Tallest Tree in the park. We have to get there fast to stop him.”

Robin gasped, “you mean like a poop bomb?”

Batman couldn’t help himself, he laughed. A deep, booming, manly laugh that left a trail of swooning squirrels in his wake, of course. The downside of having such a boss laugh was that it temporarily unsettled the Bat Glider and if it hadn’t been for some fairly decent parkour from Bat Girl and some amazing use of a grappling gun by Batman, they might have crashed into the swing set before they reached their destination. 

Luckily, Batman had a brilliant handle on his emotions, and was able to stop laughing at the idea of a poop bomb just five minutes later. “So,” he continued, “we need to catch this slippery squirrel before he does some serious damage.”

“And then we need to bring him into custody so that he can pay for his crimes,” Bat Girl said. 

Batman managed to not roll his eyes at that but he couldn’t give up the groan of dissent that followed, “that sounds super boring. Like, whatever. If you wanna take him to prison or Arkham or whatever, you do you, but I gotta get home asap. These guns aren’t gonna maintain themselves.” He flexed his tail for Bat Girl’s benefit, she was unlikely to find another squirrel with such fine musculature at him and she deserved to know what she was missing out on. 

As usual, she didn’t seem to be paying much attention. “Look! There’s someone down there!” She said, pointing towards the Tallest Tree in the park. There was a figure hanging from one of the low hanging branches, far off, but still familiar to Batman. He supposed that with such refined senses as his, it only made sense that he was able to spot his nemesis from such a distance. 

“The Joker,” he muttered. 

Bat Girl’s ears twitched uncertainly, “how can you tell? We’re so far out.”

“N’aww,” Robin cooed, “it’s so cute that you can spot him from a distance like that.”

“Robin, what did I tell you about keeping quiet?” Batman snapped. People really needed to stop reading so much into his and The Joker’s relationship. They were just a couple of squirrels at moral odds with each other who lived to wind each other up. Nothing weird about that. 

“Sir, might I recommend that you land in the upper branches of the tree and then make your way to the foot in maximum stealth mode? It would give you the element of surprise,” Alfred said. Batman knew that both Bat Girl and Robin could hear the squirrel butler too, who was based underneath Wayne Tree in the Bat Cave. Which was a very cool bachelor pad that Batman loved to decorate with plenty of black bricks and tight gadgets. 

“Yo Alfred. I was just about to make the same call. For Bat Girl and Robin. You know that sneaking’s not really my style.”

“You taught me everything I know about sneaking,” Robin sounded confused. 

Bat Girl hushed him, “this way he and The Joker can have some time to themselves before I get him in handcuffs.”

“Ok first of all, I don’t need any time to myself with The Joker. He’s just my worst enemy it’s no big deal it’s a professional relationship,” Batman corrected Batgirl quickly, before she could get the wrong idea. 

“Yes master Batman, very professional. Nothing says professionalism like nearly letting the city be destroyed because you refused to acknowledge or return The Joker’s feelings for you.” Alfred replied, voice flat. 

“That was one time!” Batman protested. He knew that Bat Girl and Robin were giggling at him, which was totally not cool. He was a crime fighting super star and he deserved respect, “you know what? I’ll see you guys down there.”

And with that, Batman dropped from the glider, landing in the top branches of a nearby tree and fashioning a tree-surfing board from the Pieces that broke his fall. Unlike most squirrels, he was too heavy to travel through the very top branches of a tree, on account of being so jacked that the twigs couldn’t hold his weight. His nerves of steel made him a brilliant tree surfer, however, and he knew that he looked positively sick riding his way down the trunk, through the low lying grass that covered most of the park and right up to the Tallest Tree. 

Specifically, right underneath the branch that The Joker was swinging from. Batman strained his uncommonly sensitive ears for the sound of the Bat Glider landing safely in the top of the tree before he cleared his throat and attracted the attention of his worst enemy. 

“Batman!” Joker beamed down at him, “fancy running into you out here.”

“You won’t get away with this, Joker,” Batman said in his deepest, most menacing voice as he fixed the squirrel in the tree with the meanest stare he could muster. 

It did nothing to curb Joker’s enthusiasm, “I love it when you get all ‘good-guy’ on me! Really makes me feel special.”

“You’re not spe-” Batman had been about to inform The Joker in no uncertain terms that he was not special. At least not in the wider sense. Like if he were being honest he supposed he’d say that The Joker was special to him and he didn’t want The Joker to think that he wasn’t special to him, Batman, but he also didn’t want to give his greatest enemy any ideas. No sooner had he opened his mouth, however, than Joker’s face fell and he knew he wouldn’t be able to reach the end of his sentence. 

“You’re very special to me, Joker,” Batman said, as quietly as possible in case anyone was around to hear him. 

“Well done sir,” Alfred said into one ear. 

“That’s so sweet,” Bat Girl and Robin said into the other. 

The Joker’s nose wiffled happily, and he descended from the tree with a completely bodacious triple back spin. 

Batman had to admit he was impressed, “Nice moves. You been working out?”

Joker ducked behind his paws, clearly embarrassed. “Well, yeah, maybe a little. After the whole thing with the bomb and the city and you telling me that you hated me for the first time I figured I owed it to you to be the best nemesis I could be. I mean, look how shredded you are on my account!”

“Yeah, my muscles are pretty sweet,” Batman said, flexing his tail just a little. Unlike Bat Girl, Joker paid attention to things like that, and his eyes widened in awe of Batman’s physical prowess. 

Joker’s tail certainly looked less flabby that it had the last time they met, but his abs were hard to make out underneath the purple suit he always wore. He was an odd looking squirrel, who’s fur had been turned red and who’s ears had sprouted turfs after he had fallen in a vat of chemical waste seventy seven years prior. People had tried calling him The Red Squirrel for a while, but he was so playful and he had such a wonderful smile that the name never stuck. 

No! Batman cursed himself internally, The Joker did not have a nice smile, because his smile was everyone else’s grimace. He needed to focus, to keep his mind on the plan. But not before he plumbed the new depth of Joker’s desire to get ripped. 

“You know,” he started slowly, “if you wanted to work out sometime…together, I mean. That would be cool.”

“Really?” Joker’s eyes were shining, like he’d never heard anything more beautiful in all his life. Of course, he probably hadn’t. Working out with Batman was about the best thing that anyone could possibly hope to have happen to them. 

With a jolt, Batman realised that he and Joker were standing very close to one another. So close, in fact, that their whiskers had momentarily brushed, making Batman’s face do weird, twitchy things that made it hard to maintain his stony outer shell. 

For his part, Joker looked like he would be blushing scarlet if he weren’t already the reddest thing in the park. Perhaps the reddest thing in the whole city. Batman had dreams of that kind of red, dreams where every Piece he laid his hands on shone like Lego Rudolph’s nose and all the trees had tufts on their leaves. 

“I hate you so much,” Batman said softly. 

“I hate you too!” Joker replied. 

“And I hate to break up the party but we have the bomb!” said Bat Girl, entirely too loud as she dropped neatly onto all fours at Batman’s side. 

Robin landed just next to her, and sure enough he was carrying what looked to be a big ball of bird poop with matches sticking out of it in one claw. They needed to disarm it as soon as possible if they wanted to avoid walking home looking like guano. 

With a mighty giggle, Joker dashed away, too fast for Batman to catch, back up onto his perch in the Tallest Tree. It was only once he was gone that Batman realised their whiskers had still been touching, and it was more upsetting than he would ever admit out loud to be parted from his greatest enemy. 

“Sorry it’s so upsetting for you to be parted from your greatest enemy, Padre,” Robin tweeted. 

Batman’s eyes narrowed, “there’s no way I said that out loud.” 

“We don’t have time for this!” Bar Girl dragged his attention back to the matter at hand, scurrying over to retrieve the bomb from Robin. “Alfred, do you know how to defuse the bomb?”

“I’m afraid I am quite unfamiliar with fertilizer based explosives,” Alfred’s voice sounded panicked, the clicking of his paws scrabbling through the archives on the Bat Computer obvious over the comm. 

“Goddamit Alfred! This is a poop bomb, not a fertilizer bomb!”

“Master Batman, I can assure you the two are one and the same.”

“No way,” Batman said, pulling the bomb towards him to look for wires to be cut, “fertilizer bombs are boring, poop bombs are hilarious.”

“Better hurry up!” Joker cackled from way up in the Tallest Tree, “or you’re all going to get a face full of poop!”

Gritting his teeth in frustration, Batman flipped over the bomb to see a single wire poking out of the poop on the back. “Here goes nothing,” he said, whipping out his trusty scissors from his utility belt and cutting the wire. 

For a moment, nothing happened. Batman glanced up to see Bat Girl and Robin staring back at him - Bat Girl’s paws trembling with anticipation and Robin’s beak hanging open like he might have been about to scream. But the Park was quiet, and it seemed that they had thwarted evil for another night. 

Then something within the bomb clicked, and despite his amazing reflexes, Batman didn’t have enough time to toss it before it went off. Covering all three of them in stinky, gloopy, bird poop. Which was totally not funny, and Batman was totally not biting his tongue to keep from laughing. 

“Are you alright? Batman, Bat Girl, Robin?” Alfred sounded very flustered. Batman could just imagine how the butler’s ears must be twitching the way they always did when he was nervous. 

“We’re fine, Alfred,” Bat Girl replied. She didn’t sound like she was struggling to keep herself from laughing, she sounded decidedly unamused. It was weird, there was nothing about this that wasn’t hysterically funny. Batman would know, he had excellent taste in comedy. 

“Yeah Grandpa, we’re fine,” Robin said rather brightly. He fluffed up his feathers and shook himself out, which had the net result of covering Batman and Bat Girl in even more bird poop and making it even harder not to laugh at Joker’s ridiculously funny plan. 

Speaking of The Joker…Batman looked up into the Tallest Tree, at the branch that his greatest enemy had been sitting on before the bomb went off, But he was nowhere to be seen. 

“We lost him,” Batman snarled. 

“No worries, Padre. You’re gonna see him for your work out session, remember?” Robin rested a comforting wing on Batman’s shoulder. Or at least, it was the sort of thing that squirrels would do to one another when they were sad, not that Batman ever felt sad. He was very observant, he couldn’t help noticing these things. 

Batman’s eyes narrowed, “how do you know about the work out session?”

“How do you think?” Bat Girl flicked her ears by way of demonstration. Of course. Batman had insisted they all stay on the same comm link at all times, and as a result his friends slash family thought it was acceptable to snoop on him, all the time. Whatever happened to selective deafness?

“Ya know,” Bat Girl continued, “I would have thought a professor of bombs would have done better than to cut the one wire that would trip the whole explosion.” 

Batman raised a paw to pinch the bridge of his nose, tail fluffing up behind him to ensure he seemed extra macho (though he supposed the extra weight of all that bird poop was probably ruining the effect). “I’m not a professor of bombs, I have a PhD in smokebombs. Doctor Batman doesn’t know anything about poop bombs and frankly, it’s insulting that you think I would. Though I have to commend you’re incredible faith in me and my knowledge of a wide range of explosives.”

Bat Girl managed to remain unimpressed, even after Batman had reminded her of his doctorate. Sometimes he thought she just didn’t appreciate the genius that was Batman the Squirrel. 

“It is my opinion that the masters and mistress ought to head back to the batcave, where I am running a bubble bath big enough for three and preparing enough hot chocolate and lobster thermidor to feed a whole flock of bats,” Alfred said. His ears still sounded like they were twitching. 

“We’ll be back in ten,” Batman replied, “alright team, to the Bat Glider.”

Bat Girl raised an eyebrow, “I’m not sure it’s going to hold us with all this extra poop weight.”

“C’mon, Bat Girl. You really think I’d build something that couldn’t take a little poop? The only thing we have to worry about is that my showdown with The Joker might have caused me to become any more buff. There’s only so many finely toned muscles that Bat Glider can take.”

“Whatever you say, Batboy,” Bat Girl said, before leaping into action and springing up the tallest tree to where she had parked the Bat Glider. Her tail ruffled elegantly in the moonlight, and Batman had to wonder if his tail looked half that good at a distance. If it did, he hoped Joker had caught site of it when he was surfing down that tree. 

“Still thinking about your greatest enemy, Dad?” Robin asked. 

Batman nodded, and gave his son a knowing look. It was important for the boy to see healthy, functioning hero/villain relationships in his life, and even more important that they not talk about it too much in case Bat Girl overheard them. 

“Dad, I’ve been thinking…if I wanted a greatest enemy-”

“No greatest enemies until your eighteen,” Batman yelped. He hadn’t even considered such a thing. Robin with a greatest enemy? The boy was far too young, there were so many more experienced villains out there who would try to take advantage. “Trust me, you wanna wait until you’re ready.”

Robin was completely unfussed by this, quite frankly incredible, piece of life advice. “Ok Padre.” The two of them ascended the tree together, Robin flapping just a few centimeters behind Batman all the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be gentle with me, writing in the style of the Lego franchise with characters you're still new to while everyone is an animal is hard. That being said, comments are love and I will gleefully devour all feedback. 
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/chadfuture_) :)


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